Monday, August 8, 2011

The Transition to Loneliness

Times have changed greatly.  You use to be able to pull "its not you its me" on someone you are dealing with and go your separate ways but recovery times on relationships can go for months, years for some.  The abuse on the mental, emotional and physical could leave a dent on one's soul.  Maybe the two parties were just not compatible relationship wise but it still may leave a mark, especially with time invested.  Good break up or bad do you think it is possible to be friends with your ex??
Good breakup or bad time is a necessity if a friendship is desired after.  Feelings do not disappear with a simple nose twinkle like Bewitched, so space is needed.  Relationships especially long term ones will build routines and habits that you must adjust out of.  It could be that daily text during lunch or dinner together at your favorite restaurant but the transition is not going to be easy.  Love is such a beautiful thing, giving you the feeling your life was missing that one thing until he/she came into your life.  Funny thing is that love can be broken easier than a twig.  Reconstruction will be a bitch but its possible once you remember who you were before your lover.  Love can be blinding where you forget that you actually had a life before that person came into your life.  Hopefully you do get something from the relationship and leave a better person. Unfortunately you can leave feeling like this inside. 

But you must remember they didn't make you the man/woman you are unless you are Amber Rose. This transition period is the most crucial if a friendship is desired after because your lover will eventually move on and unless you suppress those feelings and move on you will only dig yourself deeper into a hole of loneliness.  Nothing is worse than finding out your ex-lover has moved on yet you still have feelings for them.  So distance is critical for ones sanity.

So cool now you know you need to distance yourself what's next?  Make yourself the center of your life, do something exciting, pick up a hobby you haven't showed attention in a while. Activity and productivity is key, anything to not remind you of that person.  Like I stated in the beginning there is no set time period on getting over someone, love will have you feeling like "I'm on one" without substance intake. So don't try to cheat and fuck your feelings away. No matter how strong you felt your bond was sitting around, sobbing, hoping they will show up at your door one day is shit strictly for the movies.  Now if you are interested in a friendship just let it happen.  Do not call and try to reminisce on what you had.  Friendly, general conversation only.  You can not talk every day, even if it is friendly those feelings can resurface if you interact too much. Outings are out of the question.  Even group outings can be dangerous.  Couple of drinks and then you want that old thing back.  Especially if one of the parties is involved with someone new.  Safe to say everyone reading this has either been involved directly or known someone who had relationship issues because of "close friendships" with an ex-lover.

All in all I believe it is possible for ex-lovers to be friends after the relationship has ended.  It is impossible if both parties are not mature. I believe some adults actually never past the age 16 mentally but that's another story.  Relationships are like scars some are ugly, some are cute but it is a lifelong reminder of an event or situation of your life.  But plastic surgery is not going to be an option for the scar on your heart.  Every situation is different, the ways you get involved with someone.  It could be a co-worker or a stripper of a club you frequent regardless that transitional period from strangers to lovers also determines if a friendship is possible after parting ways. Unless a friendship existed before the relationship don't even bother considering post-relationship.  It will be much harder to house a friendship without a foundation for that home.

Thoughts? Do you think it is possible to be friends with your ex?


  1. If you really LOVED someone that were probably your friend and your lover. So most of the time even if a relationship doesnt work. Its possible to salvage a friendship out of it. Of course its hard when we intertwine the LOVE and the Friends part because then it gets messy and confusing but ex lovers/your ex can definitely transition into becoming a great friend.

  2. It is still tricky, depending on how it ends. Especially when it comes to cheating which is a big issue now a days. Some never get over their lover stepping out on them.

  3. I think maturity and forgiveness is a big issue in the decision to salvage a friendship. Unless the breakup was mutual on friendly terms, it could still be difficult. Enough time has to pass where each individual is happy with themselves without doing things to impress their former significant other or suppress feelings of their former lover in order for them to have a platonic friendship. And I mean a "literally one minute after hanging up the phone with him/her I'm not analyzing or even thinking about that conversation" friendship.

  4. That is a great point it easy to fall in love and harder to fall out of it

  5. It takes half the time you were together to get over someone. So if you were together for 3 years, you won't fully recover for a year and a half.

  6. shit so what if you are married for years.....??? :(